Who are you?
Who are you?
Unlike Brian, who came up with that awesome essay in
response to Principle Vernon’s question in The Breakfast Club, I have yet to
find the short and sweet version of novel description.
Agent Obi Wan: What is
your novel about? Make sure to “intrigue” me in one paragraph or less.
Unpublished Author: Okay,
let’s see...It’s about the universal nature of greed...no! The empowering,
healing, transformative nature of true love...no! It’s a reimagining of
the creation story and theorizes why monsters really do exist... Ummmm... Boy
meets girl on alien world?
Agent Obi Wan: Unfortunately
you have failed to capture my attention and I won’t bother reading your (clearly
crappy) story. Thank you for your time.
So, my attempts to woo an agent haven’t been quite that bad,
but from the responses I’ve received I assume they’re pretty darn close.
I have to admit, when it comes to describing a story I’ve
written, I choke. Maybe because I’m so deep into the thing that I can’t make
out the broader features anymore. I’m beneath the skin, no way to pull back and
tell if my creature is pretty or not.
What I’ve decided is that instead of continuing to bang my
head on closed doors, I just need to find an injured agent. Nothing too serious,
nothing that would keep them from, say, reading my novels while they recuperate
or anything...
See, I’ve had this fantasy of late, it goes like this: I’m
in my hermit cottage in the mountains,
á
la Kathy Bates. Alone. And I see this little plane fall out of the sky, neeeow boom!
I brave a howling blizzard to search for survivors and, low and behold, there’s
one. The pilot, who just happens to be an
über successful agent out for a spin in her new toy.
I drag the unfortunate soul back to my lair...err...cottage
and bandage her injuries. Alas, the storm has knocked out all radio
communication.
Do the phones work?
No.
Internet?
NO! Ahem, no. We’ll
just have to stick it out together for a few days. Don’t worry I’ll take care
of you. Do you need something to read to pass the time?
My manifesto would be happily dumped into her lap, after
which I’d lurk around outside the door, listening for every gasp and giggle
until (dun da daaaa!) she tells me I’m an incredibly brilliant writer and she’ll
be crushed if I don’t allow her to represent me.
Storm ends.
Agent heals.
Success and glory rain down on me. Huzzah!!!!
Okay. That one miiiiight be a little farfetched, but I could
totally randomly run across an unfortunate agent, choking on their chicken. People
choke on dried out chicken all the time, right? And I’m sure that agents eat
chicken now and then. So...
A hungry agent will be eating their dried out chicken when,
gasp! They start choking! Everyone is screaming and standing around with their
iPhones, filming her demise while the helpless woman turns blue. Then I step in
and,
womp! Successful chicken ejector
squeeze.
“You saved my life!
I’m eternally in your debt. How can I ever repay you?”
Well, it just so
happens that I have this novel I’d like you to read...
Of course! I’ll begin
it tonight!
Yeah...
So I’ve written a few agent queries without success. Who
hasn’t?
You haven’t!? Well, let me be
the first to tell you that it’s about an eleven on the difficulty scale. I’ve tried
using bits of my blurbs. Nuh uh. I’ve tried mysterious allusions to the deeper
subplots. Yawn. First person perspective on the action. REJECT. Focus on the
romance. Nope. I’ve even considered stealing the awesome reviews people have
written for my self-pub’d books and using those. I seriously
love the way readers see the story as a
whole, and also hearing what part meant the most to them. I don’t know if
anyone else has gotten this before, but when you write something with all of
these little subplots and details, and someone
gets it, recognizes the big picture, even better than you because
you have to be so hung up on each individual piece, it’s magic! It’s the best
gift, to see your story through someone else’s eyes.
So how can
I tell
someone what they’re going to find in my story?
It’s a New Adult/Sci Fi Romance, complete at 94,000 words.
In it you’ll find a brain, and an athlete, and a basket case, a princess, and a
criminal...
Just read it.
Read it!
Read it, or I’ll break
it off!!!!
What does it say about the stress of query writing when a
person would rather perform life-or-death exploits than write another letter?
Yes, ye virgin query-er, it’s that bad.
By the way, I heard there’s a bungee jumping expose being
held in the Grand Canyon next weekend. I’ll be there with a giant net if
anyone’s interested...